Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
That’s fair
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.