I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Guy who likes music
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.