[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
You Might Also Like
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
okay run it by me one more time
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
#DesignFail
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.