I have a type: disappointing
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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!