my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Saturday
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying