[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.