Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it