Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
i can’t wait that long
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Sheep
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
all bases covered
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Thursday Thought.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.