@Darlainky

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

@Darlainky

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

@Darlainky

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

@Darlainky

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

@Darlainky

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

@Darlainky

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@Darlainky

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

@Darlainky

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

@Darlainky

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.