The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
You can tell a lot about a person by judging them.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.