@Darlainky

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

@Darlainky

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

@Darlainky

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

@Darlainky

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

@Darlainky

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

@Darlainky

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

@Darlainky

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

@Darlainky

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

@Darlainky

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

@Darlainky

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.