After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.