@Darlainky

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

@Darlainky

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@Darlainky

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

@Darlainky

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

@Darlainky

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

@Darlainky

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

@Darlainky

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

@Darlainky

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.