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Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : "Slow down, it's not a race," I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

@Darlainky: My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

@Darlainky: Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

@Darlainky: Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

@Darlainky: I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

@Darlainky: I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

@Darlainky: [hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

@Darlainky: Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

@Darlainky: My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.