Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

@Darlainky: Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so...magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

@Darlainky: A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

@Darlainky: Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

@Darlainky: Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can't. There's a high pollen alert right now.

@Darlainky: The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

@Darlainky: God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

@Darlainky: “No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

@Darlainky: Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I'll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know...the drill.

@Darlainky: Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.