Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I?T? D?O?E?S? T?O?O? T?A?S?T?E? L?I?K?E? B?E?E?R?? money.