@Darlainky

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

@Darlainky

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

@Darlainky

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

@Darlainky

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

@Darlainky

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

@Darlainky

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

@Darlainky

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

@Darlainky

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.