@Darlainky

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

@Darlainky

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

@Darlainky

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

@Darlainky

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

@Darlainky

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

@Darlainky

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

@Darlainky

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

@Darlainky

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

@Darlainky

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

@Darlainky

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.