Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I'd take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

@Darlainky: Me: "Where are you headed?"
Daughter: "A sorority thing."
Me: "Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you."
Daughter: "You're savage."

@Darlainky: I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

@Darlainky: Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

@Darlainky: "You accept unused items as well, right?", I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

@Darlainky: Him: I don't see nothin' wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

@Darlainky: Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

@Darlainky: I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

@Darlainky: I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@Darlainky: Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.