I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.