There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.