Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : [Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

@Darlainky: He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could've avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

@Darlainky: I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

@Darlainky: *gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

@Darlainky: Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

@Darlainky: I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

@Darlainky: A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

@Darlainky: Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

@Darlainky: They don't put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you've got enough problems already.

@Darlainky: These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.