@Darlainky: He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could've avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
@Darlainky: Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
@Darlainky: I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."
@Darlainky: A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.
@Darlainky: Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
@Darlainky: They don't put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you've got enough problems already.
@Darlainky: These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.