*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.