Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
You Might Also Like
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Stop sending me this shit.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*