@Darlainky

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

@Darlainky

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

@Darlainky

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

@Darlainky

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

@Darlainky

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

@Darlainky

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@Darlainky

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

@Darlainky

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.