Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.