For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
*pronounces patio like ratio
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I hope this email finds you in a well
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.