God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo iāve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it šššš
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Laundry to do list;
ā” whites
ā” towels
ā” untangle and re-dry duvet cover
ā” untangle and re-dry duvet cover
ā” untangle and re-dry duvet cover
ā” darks
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called āThe Old Volks Homeā*
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I canāt lose this last 20 pounds so Iām just telling everyone that Iām pregnant now.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.