Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Darlainky's best tweets

@Darlainky : Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

@Darlainky: Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

@Darlainky: Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

@Darlainky: I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

@Darlainky: Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"

@Darlainky: No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

@Darlainky: [Halloween party]

Him: What are you?

Me: An introvert.

Him: I don’t get it. It just looks like normal clothes.

Me: *already went home*

@Darlainky: Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

@Darlainky: Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

@Darlainky: Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.