Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?