o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
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therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.