People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
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*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me