[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Are we there yet?…
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Every work call, he judges.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.