Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
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going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap