“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
You Might Also Like
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Story of my life…..
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.