My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog