“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
cat vs inanimate object
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.