I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.