They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
All. The. Damn. Time.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.