@Dawn_M_

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

@Dawn_M_

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

@Dawn_M_

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

@Dawn_M_

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

@Dawn_M_

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@Dawn_M_

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

@Dawn_M_

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@Dawn_M_

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

@Dawn_M_

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?