Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of Dawn_M_'s best tweets

@Dawn_M_ : I'm just going to come right out and say it. I'm sorry I ate your seagull.

@Dawn_M_: My webcam business is failing, it's like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

@Dawn_M_: I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@Dawn_M_: Don't feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

@Dawn_M_: If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you're holding someone's hand without having to touch anyone.

@Dawn_M_: If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@Dawn_M_: [plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I'm hungry

@Dawn_M_: Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say "I love you too"?

@Dawn_M_: You see some crazy stuff when you're out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

@Dawn_M_: Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.