Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?