1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.