Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.