Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles