Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying