It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower