[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
when you are just born a rebel
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.