[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I have so many questions.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
wow