@DearAuntAbby

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

@DearAuntAbby

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

@DearAuntAbby

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

@DearAuntAbby

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

@DearAuntAbby

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

@DearAuntAbby

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

@DearAuntAbby

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

@DearAuntAbby

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

@DearAuntAbby

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged