Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.