The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged