Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”