me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
accurate
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.