I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.