“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
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I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
you gotta be faster
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
No. He’s not coming out to play
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke