Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
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I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Nice try Hitler
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!