Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
bugs when you lift up a rock
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.