You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
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The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
listen closely
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Happy Star Wars day!