Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun