[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?