interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”