Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?


[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.


Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?


If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend


[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.