Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.