Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.