Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
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Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
that colleague who touches your screen
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”